Best of Late Night Jokes

Late Night Jokes: Oct. 17th

2008-10-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

David Letterman:

"Senator John McCain was on the program last night. And I don't know about this. He kept referring to me as 'That One.'"

"Maybe you saw the debate on Wednesday night, and McCain unveiled his new personality. He's got a new personality. The new personality is fighting underdog. And if that doesn't work, the next one is going to be tyrannical sea captain. ... And if that doesn't work, fun-loving goucho. And if that doesn't work, ex-patriot saloon owner."

"Boy, here's something. How about the new Oliver Stone motion picture, opened today, 'W?' Yes, and I want to tell you something. If there is one thing I can't get enough of, it's the Bush family. I'm proud to say that I'm actually in 'W.' I have a small part in 'W.' I play the guy who gets peppered with shotgun by Dick Cheney."

Jay Leno:

"John McCain got some good news today. The Charleston Daily Mail endorsed McCain, saying since he'll only be a one-term president, he can do the right things to make tough decisions. When they told McCain they were only giving him four years, he said, 'That's great. My doctor only gave me two!'" -Jay Leno

"Are you buying this whole Joe the plumber thing? McCain said he's worried about Joe the plumber's income. His income? Anybody here ever gotten a bill from a plumber and go, 'Well, this is way too low. Put a few more zeros. Put something down there for yourself.'"

"Well, actually, Joe the plumber, not his real name. Actually, his full name, Joe Hussein the plumber."

"And, of course, all this media attention is going to his head. In fact, today, he now wants to be known as 'the plumber formerly known as Joe.'"

"You know why I think Republicans are so obsessed with this Joe the plumber? I think they're relieved to be able to talk about a guy who gets down on his knees in front of a toilet and it's not Senator Larry Craig."

"And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion -- everything's billions now, millions don't even count, have you noticed that? Millions is like chump change -- plan for the government, to directly buy shares of the nation's leading banks, to make sure they're run properly. They're going to make sure they're run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is the people who gave us a a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money"

Conan O'Brien:

"Sarah Palin remains very popular. ... Many people in the country are very excited about her. In fact, this week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Can you believe that? Newborn baby, names the newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Yeah, the man named his baby Sarah Palin after he asked it to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space"

"In a speech earlier this week, John McCain said the following. He said, 'I've been fighting for the United States of America since I was 17 years old.' That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Of course, back then, it was called Pangea.' It was a land mass that slowly separated."

Jimmy Kimmel:

"Some new developments today regarding Joe the Plumber. That's the guy from Ohio who asked Barack Obama why he wanted to raise taxes on the plumbing business he wants to buy. But now it turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he's 'not even close' to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn't even Joe -- it's Sam. Turns out the only true thing about 'Joe the Plumber' is 'the.'" He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing, is what he is."

"They say Sarah Palin's going to appear on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow night, which will be interesting. She's been the butt of a lot of jokes and, of course, the subject of a lot of criticism. In fact, she said at a rally in North Carolina yesterday that to avoid getting depressed, her staff now limits her access exclusively to the mainstream media. That's a good idea. Just what she needs -- to read less."

Bill Maher:

"Now come on, of all the weeks of the campaign, this was the weirdest. I mean, John McCain has a new BFF, Joe the Plumber. He said the words 'Joe the plumber' 15 times in the debate the other night. I have seen guys less obsessed with the plumber when they thought he was f*cking their wife."

"But apparently this is John McCain's hail mary. You know, he had to do something, because he was way behind, and this was it. Bringing out this 'every man.' This Joe the plumber, who apparently was on the verge of owning his own plumbing business, which would then be taxed by Obama, and prevent Joe from, as McCain said, living the American dream. Oh yes, I'm snaking out a septic tank, pinch me!"

"And then today we found out, because McCain is so good at vetting, as we found out with Sarah Palin, that Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe. Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, 'Who is Barack Obama?'"

"I find this all very disillusioning. The next thing we're going to find out is that Larry the Cable Guy isn't really a cable guy."

"The only thing we actually do really know about this Joe the plumber is that he's opinionated, he's extremely conservative, and we're not so sure about the plumbing. Oh my God, he's Ann Coulter!"

"No, I'm not saying that McCain looks like he's finished, but today they introduced him as the next Viagra spokesman."

"I tell you, he did not help himself in the debate on Wednesday night, did you see this? Especially with women when he implied that women who get abortions when their life is in danger, are faking it. Did you see that? He literally made air quotes around the phrase 'health of the mother.' Which struck a lot of people as something an 'asshole' would do. Nice 'campaign' you're running there, Mr. 'Maverick.'"

"But he did have one big moment when he said, 'Senator Obama, I am not President Bush.' My running mate is."

"Sarah Palin is going on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow. She said she's a little nervous, she's never acted before. And they told her, please, you'll be fine. It's a lot like lying."

"Oh, I kid Sarah Palin. I have a special affection for the insufferable. Today, she was campaigning in North Carolina, and she said she only really wanted to campaign in the 'pro-America' parts of the country. And so does her husband, who unfortunately couldn't be there because he's a secessionist."

"Let me quote you what she said today, and I hope you're insulted. She said, 'We believe that the best of America is in the small towns. The little pockets of what I call the real America. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans.' And if that's not enough, she said Hollywood is such a stinking cesspool; couldn't even be fixed by Joe the plumber. Well, you know what, in a couple of weeks, she's going to find out that the big cities have one thing that the small towns don't: a lot of voters."

LATE NIGHT JOKES OCT. 16th 2008

2008-10-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"If you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker."

"Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America,' he's on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain."

"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man, how he could help him. You know, if McCain really wanted to help this guy, you know what you should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life. Turns out, Joe the plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber, and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes: don't pay them."

"Well, there was rumors going around that he might be a plant. But today President Bush said, no, no, no, he's human."

"I thought it was the best debate of the three debates so far. And the moderator was Bob Schieffer, did a great job. And of course, McCain was thrilled. For once, he was not the oldest guy there."

"A married congressman from Florida, Tim Mahoney, is under investigation for paying $125,000 to his mistress to keep her quiet. Well, that worked out well. Well, listen, yesterday it was reported he was having a second affair at the same time. What kind of sleazeball cheats on his mistress?"

"And in a statement with his wife standing next to him -- and the wives always stand; only in politics do the wives stand next to you when you do this kind of stuff -- Mahoney said this is a private matter. The most important thing to him now is his wife. Well, that's got to make her feel special. Of all the women he's sleeping with, you're number one"

Late Show with David Letterman

"Boy, you folks are here on a great night and I'll tell you why. The entire balcony is filled with state troopers fired by Sarah Palin."

"And by the way, I'm your host for the program. I'm Dave the Plumber."

"I guess I don't need to tell you folks that on the program tonight, Senator John McCain is our guest tonight. Yeah, maybe I won't show."

"How many of you saw the debate last night from Hofstra out there on Long Island. Anybody see? I wanna tell you, it was a different John McCain, wasn't it? He was electric. He electrified the crowd. And afterwards, Cloris Leachman tossed him her hotel key."

"But the first debate was podiums. ... Then they had the town hall format. Last night it was desks Now the next debate -- competitive eating."

"Lots of talk in the debate last night about Joe the Plumber. How about that? Do you remember him from the '60s Drano commercials? Joe the Plumber. Do you remember? And I think he's also the one who ordered the hit on Sammy the Bull."

"Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate, he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Everybody in New York City has Joe the Plumber fever? Can you feel it? I mean, even the Statue of Liberty was holding a plunger."

"And we were going to have Joe the Plumber on the program. We had him booked on the show. But at the last minute he canceled on us to do an interview with Katie Couric."

"It was interesting last night during the debate. At one point, John McCain brought up Barack Obama's relationship with '60s radical William Ayers. And then Barack Obama brings up McCain's relationship with John Brown at Harper's Ferry."

"Do you know who was at the debate last night? Hillary Clinton. That's right. I'm thinking to myself, is it really a good idea to be leaving Bill home alone?"

"I was fascinated because they had the split screen. The split screen technology. So, on the one side of the screen you saw a younger black man, and then on the other side of the screen, you see an older white man. And it was, honest to God, it was like a before and after of Michael Jackson."

Late Show Top Ten List

Top Ten Messages Left On Joe The Plumber's Answering Machine

10. "Hey, heard you mentioned in the debate. Now can you come over and get the hairball out of my drain?"
9. "Joe Six Pack calling; what are you trying to pull?"
8. "Sorry, wrong number. I was looking for Larry the Cable Guy"
7. "Dude — did you get to meet Fannie Mae?"
6. "This is Sarah Palin, do you consider yourself a maverick plumber?"
5. "You had a better night than Joe the Dodgers' manager"
4. "This is Bob Schieffer. Hijack one of my debates again and I'll bust your kneecaps with a pipe wrench"
3. "Joe, you gotta get a copy of this 'Late Show Fun Facts' book — it's hilarious!"
2. "It's Brian from the 'Late Show,' are you available tonight if McCain cancels?"
1. "It's Madonna, are you seeing anybody?"

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone's talking about Joe the plumber now. John McCain mentioned Joe the plumber last night 21 times. Yeah, experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate, when President Bush wouldn't shut up about Larry the Cable Guy. 65 mentions."

"And more details coming out about Joe the plumber. This is true. I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. That's true. However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate. That part's true."

"During last night's debate, Hillary Clinton watched from the audience of Hofstra University's auditorium. She was sitting there, yeah. Yeah, and Bill Clinton was also at Hofstra University, but he watched from the Delta Gamma sorority house."

Other shows

Seth Meyers

"Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.' Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines."

Amy Poehler

"With just 19 days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted 'We Are The Champions' and shouted 'I'm King of the World.'" --

Stephen Colbert

"John McCain brought the heat, which is good, because it helps his lower back."